Last time I checked I had 15 Staples and Mastitis. What exactly qualifies you?

So I decided to entrust my son to his aunt for the weekend. I had spoken with his grandmother and she expressed the fact that she hadn’t seen him in a while and wanted to spend more time with him. She wasn’t able to do it the prior weekend because she was starring in her very own episode of locked up: the prison love edition but this weekend would be fine. I asked his aunt if she wouldn’t mind watching him this weekend. She said no problem just bring the car seat and the stroller. I said sure, not thinking anything of it. So Saturday I drop him off, we text to make sure king is fine and not screaming, I spoke to her, all seemed well. Sunday things took a drastic turn. I adapted my Fuck Kingston’s co-founder attitude since I found out some less than great things about our relationship. At this point I felt we no longer need to speak so I wanted nothing further to do with him and as a result my son wouldn’t have anything to do with him until he was released from jail. I expressed this much to his aunt (not the one babysitting)

So I go to breakfast and received a call from Kingston’s co-founder. I cussed him out and told him don’t call me and relayed to him the information I found. He confessed and apologized then asked me to promise that I won’t get angry if he told me something. I promised. He said his sister brought my baby to see him. PROMISE BROKEN. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK FACE
He then says you lied, but I’m just joking. Hahaha
So I call his aunt, she doesn’t answer. I call the home phone, his niece answers, I ask about the aunt, she says she’s not here, I said oh she’s at the park or something. She said no, they went to Baltimore to see Mr. Magnificent. At this point I’m beyond pissed and considering reporting a kidnapping. So finally I get in contact with one of his sisters and I said soooo you took King to see his father. She replies yeah, probably the last time he’ll see him. So I’m like so you took my son to Baltimore and didn’t ask me, or say anything? She replies I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

About half an hour later I get the following message from the other sister: We’ll call her sister B

Sister B: (3:51 pm) What’s up. I hear it’s a problem we took King to see Mr. Magnificent. We in traffic but thinkl we’ll be hime within a hour and a half or so hopefully.
Me: It’s a problem b/c no one tole me and your sister knew I wouldn’t have okayed that
Sister B: But why wouldn’t u okay it. Why can’t he see his father? And I didn’t ask bc im watching him and I didn’t think I had to ask to take him anywhere.
Me: you wouldn’t have to aske to take him to the park. But going to BMore is completely different. That is my son and his so called father hasn’t done shit and I’m the one with the custody so that’s why I should have been asked.
Sister B: Custody? I don’t remember court but u can have that. How u personally feel about r. Magnificient is ur business but to deny a child from seeing their father aint right whether he’s an idiot or not. When u mad at Mr. Maginificent then u wanna keep king away. We all said if you need help call or we will watch him whenever but u don’t. So even tho he aint acting how u want, his family is tryna stop up but u don’t use the help.

(Sidenote: My babysitter needed a day off to handle some personal business. I asked sister B to babysit. She said yes. Tuesday evening I get a text saying she is going to Atlantic City but will be back in the morning. Wednesday morning I wait, no message… I call in to work to tell my sup I’m going to be late. At 10 am I receive a text message from Sister B telling me that she is sooo Drunk….so I did ask for help and was shown that she’s unreliable mmmmkay. Okay back to the program)


Me: I’m not going to argue this one. That is my son and no one asked, no one said anything. You all did that. That’s wrong. But no problem. Monday morning I will file for the “right” to tell people that I should be aware of my child’s location.
Sister B: whatever jasmine b/c ur taking this to some whole other level. We all his family the way your sister and ur mother is and aint no one trynna harm YOUR son. No one ask Mr. Magnificent if he can go anywahere and that’s his child too at the end of the day whether he’s being a good father or not but I hear u.
Me: If I called the cops right now they’d side with me. U didn’t ask and ya’ll we’re trynna be sneaky. Your sister knew how I felt about that. I don’t use King as a pawn. Ur mother called and said she wanted him to come over. I said fine. When has anyone called and said they want him to come over? Never.
Sister B: U needed a break and asked mt to watch him and I did. He’s been fed, bathed and taken care of very well. (<---- keep this in mind for the end of the evening recap)Me: The point is you don’t do that and you’re trying to excuse it and its not right. Ur wrong. Why do I have to call your house and have your neice tell me that Ya’ll went to see Mr. Magnificient?
Sister B: For real if you wanna call the cops then go ahead. I’m watching him, not my sister so it don’t matter what she know. And aint no one tryna be sneaky
I know ur mad at Mr. Magnificent and that’s where all this is coming from. I hate how u use Kingston as a pawn but u right. It’s YOUR son and you can use and do what u feel, bring him when you want.
Sister B: I don’t fear u therefore I don’t have to sneak. And no one ask too much bc its always some bullshit and I know I’m not trynna get in u and Mr. Magnificent’s shit so I let u.
Sister B: We’re Bringing YOUR child to u so u don’t have to worry.

So you see I just stopped texting b/c it was getting stupid and I was seeing Red. At this point I’m ready to Wayne Brady a bitch and call the cops and put out an amber alert. My friends calmed me down. I called his grandmother. She began speaking as though she wasn’t aware of the issue, recapping her time with king and then ended with I hope he comes back soon . So I said well that’s actually why I’m calling b/c they took him to Bmore and no one said anything to me and now your daughter is trying to tell me that she has every right to and that I’m wrong. I explained the story, she agreed with me and said she’d talk to her daughters and that she’d back me up. When they finally returned, I had my sister get my son. So he comes home with a big ole smile and hug and runs around my house. I go to my room to finish my laundry and I hear King screaming. I think maybe he just walked into the wall (yeah I know it sound crazy but he does this verry often) so I shrug it off but he’s still screaming and then my dad calls me. As I’m walking to him, he’s walking toward me walking funny and SCREAMING. So my dad says I think he’s having trouble pooping. I take him in the bathroom and pull down his pants and see there’s Shit stuck in his butt. Cue Beyonce’s EGO: It’s too big, It won’t fit. So I put ointment on his butt so it wouldn’t tear and make it easier for the poopoo to make its debut. (because at this point its stretched to capacity) Still nothing. So I’m in panic mode b/c King is SCREAMING. Like Bloodcurling screaming so I have my you know ur a mother moment… I stick my lubed- up finger in king’s butt and and dig out the offending doody. It was rock hard and huge. Takes me about 4 good attempts to get the entire doodie out his butt. Once the clog is removed, his rectum is able to release the rest of the doodie but of course now It’s tinged with red b/c he’s bleeding. I examine the pooh and blood concoction to ensure it has not tissue or large clots in it and he passes that test. I wash him off and swab his bottom with a hot rag and some ointment. King breathes a sigh of relief, I’ve renewed my anger for his aunts for as long as King has been in my “custody” he’s never had the problem but one night with them and he’s prairie-dogging it? So yeah I’m pissed. I resolve to never let him go over there again. My parents said let him go when he can talk. I’m thinking he’ll go when bats can speak English fluently.



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That's Gay....or is it?

In high school there were these two guys that somehow ended up in one of jay-z's videos. They looked a little how you doing but no one really paid attention to that until this nasty rumor got started. Somehow it got around that these two guys were willing participants in some questionable activities. One was rumored to be bumping uglies with a transvestite while the other was rumored to have the habit of accepting felatio from men. Somehow this became the topic of one of my classes senior year. The teacher asked the guys to close their eyes and raise their hands if they'd accept fellatio from another guy. A few guys raised their hands. Now the question is are they gay?

I was recently reminded of this topic after visiting A day in the life After posting my comment I discussed it with a friend. While we pretty much agreed that any man who has anal penetration by another's man's penis is gay whether or not he is emotionally attached to the other guy is irrelavent. Butt sex is butt sex. For arguments sake I did state that perhaps the man is just kinky and likes anal penetration. In that case he wouldn't mind his girlfriend to strap on and mount up. If he would rather an actual penis he's gay. Period. So naturally we toss out hypotheticals and I say well there's gayish activities. What if a girl went down on me. Immediately I said that ish is gay but he stammered. I saw where he was going with this one. I rethought and said well technically it would just be oral sex and the giver would be gay just like if two males were engaged in oral sex, the one receiving is just horny while the one slobbing the penis is gay. He waivered. (There's something about picturing two males in mid fellatious accompanionment that makes even the most open minded straight man falter.) So I took it a step further. I said well if you and I went into a room and I blindfolded you and you started to get some good head are you gay? Of course not. While you're getting the good goods you say this is the best I've had in my life, damn girl u just don't know you doing to me, cue Jamie foxx damn, baby, baby, damn. What happens if when you take the blindfold off you see its a guy. Are you gay?
So he says no. I push the subject even further, he says the fact is he would not knowingly enjoy the professional by the dude, he enjoyed the pro because he thought it was a girl. Had he known it was a dude his dick would have been softer than warm poom. So i say so what you are saying is that you enjoyed his skills then. Lol I'm a bastard aint I? We concede by saying that you can’t be called gay if you are tricked into a gay encounter. Granted you’d have to kill everyone who witnessed the gay event but you aren’t gay simply because of it.

Cue You so Crazy



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You got to cool it now......Ooooooh watch out

I Wanna Get Down But Not the First Night - Monica

I don’t judge people. In fact I’m often a bit jealous of women who are more sexually aggressive than I. I’m an advocate of women’s liberties and such but I think the following must be said. If you sleep with a guy on the first or second date, you’re most likely never going to make it to Wife Material. No, In fact you may not get called back at all.

I’m not going to sit up here and call the girl that does anything but here name but let’s face it, when he recounts the story to his friends, your name will most likely be omitted. Instead, he’ll be talking about that thing you did with your tongue. Nothing and I repeat NOTHING meaningful will come of this. Ok I shouldn’t say nothing b/c there are a few exceptions to every rule (See I before E except after C) but for the most part you will not get that ring on it.

In my opinion (yes it’s redundant but so what I’m doing the writing here ) sex changes things in a relationship and therefore should be entered into (no pun intended) a bit seriously. If you have no intention of forming a relationship then by all means go head and do the damn thang just don’t go calling your bestest friend in the whole wide world asking why he didn’t call you back. If you’re looking to build a relationship you start by getting to know the other party intimately. Emotional intimacy, physical intimacy becomes the reward, the icing to the cake if you will. I’m not suggesting that you start each date with marriage in mind, but ending each date with a dance between the sheets will lead you down a path of emptiness and solitude.

This is Kingsmomma and I approve this message

P.S. AIDS is real



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Not so Smooth Operator

I push the button. The elevator comes. I get on. There are quite a few people on the elevator already. Of course since I work in the criminal court there are quite a few unsavory characters on the ride discussing their unsavory behavior and how it was THE MAN’S fault they were made to be held accountable for their actions. I don’t judge people and their actions, I really could care less why or how you ended up in the place that I work, but don’t think that I’m supposed to be afraid because you’ve been proven to be unsavory. Well I get in the elevator on the 8th floor, there are three women on the elevator. The elevator seems to go locals because we’re stopping on every floor. A visibly distraught woman steps on the elevator, not Rihanna distraught, think I’ve just lost my child mascara running type of distraught. She instructs her daughter to push 2.
Apparently this is unacceptable since the elevator is supposed to only make the stops that the women behind me want it to make. They’re upset and they start sucking their teeth and giving the woman a hard time about getting off on 2. She’s trying her best to ignore them. I’m not. So finally we get to 2 and they upset that it must stop at 2, so I ask in the most sarcastic tone I can muster if her last names was Graves-Otis. She looked confused but answered no. I said oh I didn’t think so but you act as though this is your personal elevator, like you invented it for your personal transport. I said a few other things but can’t exactly remember them and I don’t want to create a work of fiction. Clearly that went over her head and as I stated before she is in the courthouse with her Golden Ticket so she’s a defendant. Apparently my smart alecky answer doesn’t sit well with her and she begins to oh Bitch don’t make me whoop your ass speech. By this time I’ve begun putting on my earphones and the elevator door opens at 1. Lunch time.

Scene two. BX19. !45th and Lenox Avenue.

Now when I exit the train station on Lenox avenue I can literally look up and see my destination, but I can also look back at the bridge to see an arriving bus. Well since it is there I’m going to take it. Granted I only take it one stop but it’s not like I’m waiting five minutes for the bus it’s there and it is one long block
Kinda like the long hallway that you can see the end to but can’t quite make it there

yeah like that one
I mean I’ll walk it if I have to but if I don’t I won’t.
So I get on the bus, pay my fare, key phrase here is pay my fare. I get on (I do not take a seat- hey I’m getting off next stop) wait for the bus to get to the next stop. We’re there. Someone is saying excuse me, I turn and respond I’m getting off this stop too. She looks at me and said but you just got on, I quip and I’m getting off. Of course the old bitty committee can’t lose their prime time opportunity. The spokeswoman calls me a lazy cuss. Yep she really aged herself there (as if the blue eyes and grey hair didn’t. ok I know the blue eye thing was wrong but meh I’ve been called a bastard several times. I don’t protest b/c it’s true) and now the peanut gallery is looking for my response. I don’t because after all she is elderly. So I guess my lack of response gave the courage to another woman who then begins to say that she sees me do this everyday etc etc etc (yawn) well she’s not elderly, so I explain that I paid my fair and that she should note I am not the only person to get on at Lenox nor am I the only person to get off at 7th. Ok that’s not exactly how I said it but that was the gist of it. Add a few colorful explicatives to the above phrase and there you have what I said.
Being an elevator operator could be quite fun. There are a few buildings in New York that still use them but they’re getting paid to do so. Don’t get on the elevator and start telling people they should walk when you could clearly use the cardio yourself. I’ve got to many stories of this occurrence.
The MTA employs hundreds of operators, it is their job to ensure I safely get from point A to Point B and quite frankly with the impending metrocard fare hike, I’m going to be using my metrocard everywhere. Yes I could walk but if you’re about to make me pay 110 a month for a metrocard I need to use it as often as possible so that I can feel like I’m not being held up or financially raped. If you happen to be one of the riders I encounter and think me not walking one block is stupid, say nothing and hand me $110. I’ll gladly waste your money. Mama has some new shoes to buy.



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Three's Company

Most women will say, if asked how many female friends they have, they have a few, but their male friends far outnumber the amount of female friends they have. I used to be a Tom-Boy. I mean climbing trees, out do you in pushups (yeah this was before puberty put more weight in the frontal area) and play football, not touch football but bring your arse over here I tackled you Interception kind of football so naturally I tended to have more male friends since we all were interested in the same type of thing. As I grew older I outgrew my tomboyish ways but I never outgrew my preference to having more male friends.

Tyra Banks, although she is as annoying as a mosquito and phony as well
Play the video




Anyway when she first began her talk show, her initiative was to support and advocate for womanhood/ better female/ female relationships. I appreciated that but this from her seemed quite ironic since she has yet to do anything but show the catty girl fights on ANTM. If she is really as sincere as she claims to be perhaps she could begin on the show that she created, appears on and executive produces, but I guess these types of initiatives and goals only matter when it doesn’t hurt the bottom dollar. The point is she brought light to a subject often neglected:
Women are each other’s worse enemies.
Most times I would try to speak out against it but my ears have been witness to a flagrant and I do mean Flagrant womanhood violation. I call crossing the Pink line.

Now girl, lets say her name is Candy has a friend name Mocha. Candy is dating David. Now Candy introduces Mocha to David which is a natural progression because you tend to introduce your loved ones to those people in your circle of trust. At some point Candy and David aren’t as cool as they once were and now Candy begins to start talking to someone else. Being the loquacious beings that we are, Candy tells Mocha. What should Mocha do?

A. Tell David

B. Talk about it with Candy but say at some point that what she is doing is wrong and that perhaps she should take a hiatus from exclusively dating david.

C. Gossip. You two are girls and you have no loyalty to david so who the hell care. Tell Candy you go girl, just make sure you don’t get caught and use a condom.

Personally I would probably fall somewhere in between B and C. If I know the guy, met him a few times, I would probably choose b but make no mistakes about it A would Never be an option for me unless the guy is my brother in which case you were stupid for telling his sister that you were cheating. In what world would you expect Mocha to tell David that Candy is cheating?
Well that is exactly what happened. I don’t know the extent of the relationship Candy had with the new guy but Mocha took it upon herself to tell David that Candy was to the lefting it with some new dude. Now Candy doesn’t know Mocha is the one who told and if I knew Candy or even how to contact her I would let that rabbit out the bag. I bet Candy is talking to Mocha like how in the hell did David find out and Mocha is probably sitting there all nonchalant shrugging her shoulders and saying well maybe he knew someone who knew someone who saw you two together (which obviously wouldn’t be a lie since David knew Candy who knew Mocha who saw them together)

I’m certain Mocha likes David but honestly how does she think this is going to work out. David and Candy Break up and that’s her in? If David dates her it is only to get back at Candy. This would also lead Candy to see that Mocha was the blabbermouthed friend which should set off the chorus to Whoop that Trick in her head.

Men don’t have this problem. I’m sure men will say Dog you got a good thing but I highly doubt a man will tell his friend’s girl that he is playing her. Nope he’ll keep his mouth shut. Shoot I’ve had people lie to my face like it was nothing so I know they aren’t talking. Why is it that women will lose all loyalties when it comes to a man? Forget the fact that your homegirl probably gave you half the money for your abortion or sat up with you when you were crying because your no good SOB Ike Turnered /Bebe Winansed you out. All of a sudden none of that matters and your loyalties are to the man and not your friend.
Now that’s some real Bitchassness

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No he's not cheating on you, he has Multiple personality Disorder.. No really he does

Someone very close to me recently found out that they were the victim of dissociative identity disorder otherwise known as a no good ninja.
She had been “dating” said guy with the disorder (DID as it will be called throughout this post and pretty much on this blog) for quite a while. They met as she rear ended his BMW. I guess he liked what he saw and decided to take her out to dinner instead of taking down her information. That was a bit over two years ago. Fast forward to him going to south beach. This is important. He goes to south beach, rents a convertible. At some point during the weekend, his convertible gets broken into. The offender sliced the convertible top open,

took the goods and left. The dude relayed this story to my friend who began to do what we girls do best (another important feature) she began telling the story to her friend from high school who began to have a weird feeling of Déjà vu. What are the odds that two people’s cars got broken into in the same way in south beach. So she three- wayed my friend and her friend and lo and behold it is the same guy. The funniest part is that they both went to high school together and while they aren’t friends, they have common friends but they definitely knew who each other was. Well I guess that truly isn’t funny. So my friend calls him and asks him straight out if he is dating said girl. He promptly “lost service” and I guess he is still roaming or out of service area because he never did call back and his phone rings straight to voicemail.

UPDATE:
His explanation: I'm sorry. It's complicated

Now as we all know I have been played several times and I thought it would bring me closure to understand why. So I asked the asshole why? One response was well even Jay-z will cheat on Beyonce. Huh?
Another was well, it was something new and different at the time. It’s not that I didn’t like you or that I was bored, they were just a bit more interesting at the time. So apparently relationships are like nail polish and hair cuts. Guess that makes since somehow.

The craziest part of getting cheated on is that sometimes, you never saw it coming. It is as though you were dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and if he is anything like Mr. Magnificent he will sit in your face and tell you how much he loves you and would never do something like that to hurt you while giving you an alternative explanation as to how you found a letter by a girl who detailed the freaky things they did. You sit there like hmmm is it me or my lying eyes. I know that I and my acquaintance that just found out she was got by the smiley face will not be the last person to be victimized by someone suffering from DID with a side of lack of commitmentitis but come on. At what point do we get tired of these games and just be honest. (did I forget to mention that he is in his very late 30’s)


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Wait you're supposed to spend child support on the child?

Lately it seems as though there has been much coverage of celebrity men and their child support agreements or lack thereof. After reading the story about T.I’s son’s mother (not Tiny) I went home and debated the issue with my mother. In the end, I concluded that because I am a single parent, I am motivated and downright disgusted that a lot of women view having children by wealthy and affluent men as their way to the good life. I can not disagree more. While I adamantly believe a man ought to provide for his children to the best of his abilities, I do not think a woman should feel she hit the lotto. She didn’t. Her child did.

My father posed the following situation:
A woman living in the projects has a child by a married man who lives in the Hamptons. All of his children go to private schools and attend the most exclusive summer camps. What should she expect for herself and her child? My answer was simple, that he treat her child as he treats his other children, that this child should be able to go to an elite private school and the opportunity to go the same type of summer camps because after all, the children should not be held accountable for the mistakes of their parents. He followed up with the living arrangement. Should he be obligated to buy her a house. My answer: It would be a nice gesture but he isn’t obligated to relocate her. Any parent would want their children to be reared in the best environment and he should want that for this child as well. If I were in such a predicament (as a guy) I would most likely buy a house for my child and his mother, but the house would be in my child’s name and she would not be able to make any financial decisions regarding that house without my or the child’s appointed executor.

I was prompted to discuss this issue after reading the details of the divorce between Tyrese Gibson and his estranged wife. It seems quite ridiculous to me that child support ought to consider such requests as “350 dollar outfits” for a 18 month old child and that she not wear each outfit more than once. I also find it absolutely ridiculous that she is contesting the prenuptial agreement because she feels as though she was under duress. She states that had she not signed the agreement, she would not have been married to Tyrese. She also goes on to state that if she weren’t married she would not have gained citizenship (which based on the brevity of their marriage she still is not entitled to or eligible) and because both her daughter and Tyrese are American Citizens she would not have been able to return home abroad without Tyrese legally stopping her as his main concern was visitation (which she contends he barely does anyway.) She wishes to set aside the prenup in order to get more money since she is an unemployed single mother with no skills. Hmmmm

What I don’t understand about these women is they are very quick to point out to the court how they are used to the luxurious life, that they were giving unlimited spending power and once their well dries up they’re quick to point out how ignorant and unemployable they are and how they must collect money from their former spouse. She stated that she was required to stay home and be the perfect wife and mother. She and Tyrese dated for 7 years, they have been married for 10 months and their daughter is 18 months old. She only needed to be the doting mom and wife for a period of 2 years, # if you count the pregnancy. She was a college student when she met him and abandoned her studies for the glamorous life. Why? So many of these woman are quick to ask for more money that they believe they are entitled to and yet no one had ever asked for their spouse to pay for their educational expenses so that they may better themselves. Norma Gibson is 23 years old. She will only be receiving a one time settlement of 65,000 and child support for their child until she is 40 years old. Then what?
LaShon Dixon (mother of T.I’s first boys) makes aaround 19,000 per year. Their youngest son is 7. What the hell has she been doing for the past 7 years that at the present she is only earning less than 20,000. She asked that he provide more child support so they can have more opulence because it is unfair they can have whatever they want at his house but are limited at her house. Is she asking for him to help her through school so that she can find a better paying job? Nope, of course not, she wants money the easy way, you worked hard for it now hand it over because at some point in the past you ejaculated in my uterus and produced two children and now I ought to be paid.

*****explicative (that starts with a B) Please.

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